Refocus the Energy

I have been going through something for the last few months that has really been a huge weight to me. Being that I am an "emotional eater" I usually turn to my peanut M&M's my Reese's peanut butter cups (which haven't tasted good lately :b) my CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES (I AM the original cookie monster LOL) Mc Donald's french fries with sweet n sour sauce, etc. I have too many comfort foods for comfort LOL. Sweet and Salty or Sweet and Spicy are my things. Anywho, as I was saying...I have been going through somethings that have been weighing heavily on my and causing me to feel off (my word for depressed or I will say "tired" when I appear to be fully energized) and these things have had me feeling really trapped because I am a stay at home mom and a student. Lately I haven't been wanting to pray because I feel like my Daddy just might tell me to hang in there and go through this because there might be something better on the other side and to be honest I would really dread that because I have been hanging in here like a pro and I have not even seen a inkling that there is another side. However today I sat and thought to myself how about I actually do pray and not pray the Lord please save my __________ change _____heart or MY heart and help me to hold on to see your glory, help me to have faith because I believe but Lord HELP MY UNBELIEF! Just for once I feel as though I should pray a prayer of hope in MY own future as a woman who can and may be living on her own soon. So I have decided that that is what I will do. Life is full of ups and downs but I do not always believe that I must hold on to the short end of the stick. I just had a flash back LITERALLY... Here goes. When I was a child I climbed up a tree and I was playing in that tree as I looked down from the height that I was at the ground looked so far away and I wondered why in the world did I do this but now that I'm here I might as well chill because someone is going to have to rescue me (my mom was in the house) So the time came when she came outside, I think we were going to rent a movie from the video store and she called TAB get down it's time to go and I replied Mommy I CANT and she from her perspective could see that it was not quite the challenge that I was making it out to be so I climbed because of course my stubborn (LOLOLOL) MOTHER wouldn't come get me out of the tree so I climbed until I was hanging from the last branch and at this time I was hanging and fighting for my life and I was yelling HELP ME and she said Tab JUST LET GO! I was like NO WAY I AM UP TOO HIGH!!! (Now y'all know I didn't yell at my Momma! but I was thinkin it) I was steady crying for help and something in her voice briefly assured me in my battle with possible death or injury that it was ok to let go, so I with all of my courage let go.....and "POP" just that fast I was on the ground and I landed on my feet. Hmmmm.... That wasn't too bad at all. For some reason looking down at what could possibly be terrified me more than looking up at the branch closing my eyes and letting go had delivered me. So the moral of this story is that sometimes no matter how bad you think things will be, no matter how far you think you will fall, sometimes you have to just let go.

TIme to Lose Weight

I decided to join Weight Watchers on April 9th and I thought that I could just wing it and lose like I did last time. I got a rude awakening this week when I got on the scale and the 2lbs that I originally lost were gone and I only registered a weightloss of .4. Now for a person that works as hard as I do with my workouts that was a major disappointment but I mean why when I ate what I wanted to all weekend and I did not workout. Somehow I was still disapointed lol. Ok so this week I am back on my grind. I have been working hard, tracking all of my food and gaining momentum to conquer this weekend. They say thta the 1st 21 days are the hardest and I definitely believe that because I still have a desire to eat everything in site. Lately I have been sticking to my ezekiel muffins and egg whites in the morning and that has been really filling. I had Chocolate Shakeology with a scoop of Muscle Milk for lunch and that was good and very fulfilling. I would like to go grab some sweet potatoes because those are amazing and filling and also some spicy chicken rolls they are so AMAZING! Well I just wanted to actually talk about my fitness journey. I am 206lbs and I am determined to get under 200 by the end of the month. I want to go into May at 199 or less. That is my goal and that is what I will achieve. I will be blogging more about this soon.

People Change

As I am going to school and studying to become a Personal Trainer I am evolving into a different type of fitness person where losing weight is not my only goal and being cute is not it. I am more determined now to eat healthy, and redefine my body. The things that use to be hot to me are too faddish now and I am not finding fullfillment in these workouts. However I am seeing alot more benefit from doing the time tested "traditional" workouts that get results and I am finding the right people who have real results. For this I am grateful. As I watch my body transform the scale is moving little but I am pleased with an inch gone from here and an more lifted and defined bottom just a small change in my waist and a more defined muscles in my arms. Why? Because I am putting in the work to see these changes. It is more purposeful, more directed and more personalized work that will get you the results that you want. Today I looked at myself and I said I want this, this and this. This is what I want to work on. The nice part is that now I am getting to know how :)

Unexpected Turn

So for the last 7 years I have been living my life as the perfect Christian with some "flesh" moments. LOL! Actually I have been suppressing myself into a box of rules and living quite miserably. Well 2012 has arrived and I tried to start it the way that I always do and that is to make another vow of perfection unto the Lord. Now because He is so amazing He allowed my life to fall apart in January, then I tried to put it back together with Lent and it fell apart again! I have been calling myself having faith in the Lord and trusting Him for somethings that I should've been making sound decisions on and no matter how hard I prayed this situation has NOT changed. My life fell apart in the right way it fell apart in a way that I would look and rediscover ME. If that isn't a beautiful surprise well then I don't know what is. This year I have discovered that I am a beautiful woman and I should embrace it rather than run from it (now I am still working on it so bear with me) I have also discovered that I don't owe anyone anything what people expect from me really doesn't matter and when you are not doing what everyone else is doing you will find yourself alone for a season why those who came to drain disappear but as you discover yourself and stand for yourself those who truly love you will appear (So far I am not flocked with new friends but I am grateful for the ones I do have :) Also I Tabetha must march to the beat of my own drum like I did so well as a child and it frustrated everyone but my goodness the brilliance that came forth from my resistance won me awards and always had people watching me for the next best thing and might I also say I was able to speak and so much more eloquently and I swear that I lead more people to Christ when I was a child then I have in the last few years. YOU CAN NOT LIVE INSIDE OF A BOX. There is a person that was meant to live here on earth, we were not born to die or live like we are apart of a perfect little cult. (I had to say it like this because some people act like they are in a cult and like there way is the only right way and if you disagree you should be burned at the stake) YUCK! That is definitely anti-love! We were all created with unique gifting, and we all were blessed to live here on earth and earth is not hell and everything outside the doors of the church is not evil. I said all this to say do not change yourself, let Him mold you into what you were meant to be. Don't get married without knowing that God has ordained your marriage, don't stop dressing cute, don't stop listening to your favorite music until your know that you know that you know that it is time. God will really let you know and NO ONE needs to tell you what God wants you to know He is your Father and He will tell you Himself. I have regret because I spent too much time looking for direction from imperfect people whose heart was corrupted through life's experiences who were bitter perfectionists who didn't know how to love because they were hurt so much and I made decisions that I thought were right based on their guidance and today all of those things are being undone. I am grateful but I would've saved myself a trip around the mountain (20 times!) Okay? So let Him lead you, our Daddy is so gentle, so sweet and His timing is perfect. Wait on Him He genuinely loves you and wants the best for you. Never move unless He says move and that goes for doing what others want you to do, not a clause for you to stick with something that is destroying you. Use your brain you are smart and you are more likely to be right or deal with your own wrong decision far more efficiently, more gracefully and faster than someone elses ill direction because you are supposed to make mistakes and learn from them. Don't get stuck wondering if you should or should not make a move because someone told you what your own Father would've said to you Himself(if He wanted to) if you waited. All people who proclaim themselves to be a prophet are not prophets. You have the spirit of God in you who could better speak into you then Him? The people on the outside should only be confirming what God has already spoken to you. You should know that they are right because the words were already in your heart.

Stripped Yet Recovering

To be a woman who was raped, sexually abused, verbally manipulated and beaten into being a nobody and to exist in a world that needs you to recover and blossom and be the woman that I was created to be is absolutely difficult. I had a dream a few years ago that I was running from demons and those demons caught me and beat me until I appeared to be dead. Even I thought I was dead and after they "killed" me they left me in the street but somehow I had a breath. A small faint breath and I began to recover and I ran into the church to tell them what an amazing miracle had just occured and they hated me. They did not want to hear one word that I said and they made me feel like I was just a "sinner". Today when I think back at that dream it reminds me of where I am now in my life. The typical Christian answer will not fit my situation. I thank God that He is my first and my last breath when I need Him because today He spoke to me and told me through an unlikely vessel you are somebody. Now if this was random I would've put it on my shelf of "words from the Lord" LOL but everything that is happening in my life right now confirmed that what she was saying from miles away and very little recent contact was true, down the fact that I ran across a scripture card that I wore in my ID case while I was in Iraq and that scripture card says "The Lord God says, For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11. That scripture has been my life line through so many of the terrible trials that I endured alone. My God has never, ever, ever, let me down and I am grateful for His love. His love is the very air that I breathe. (Exhale) So right now as life is taking its turns to bring me to a beautiful situation I release all judgement, all ridicule, all "advice" that does not line up with what the Holy Spirit is speaking ever so gently to me. There will be some who will hate to hear me speak and the sad part is the mesage that God has for me to deliver is one of hope, and love, and uplifting because that is what He has been to me.

Today

It is absolutely the most difficult thing to see others hurting around me. People do not understand that I can feel their pain. I feel drawn to people who are hurting. My heart's desire is to see them built up strong, happy, smiling and I literally feel my heart sink without them even saying a word. I have always been able to discern the atmosphere. It is an incredibly difficult thing. Now I have to learn to feel and not show that I feel, or better put feel and not respond. Which is a huge step because I used to feel and act as though it was me because that is how real someone else's spirit feels to me. I have to get to the point where I allow people to express themselves and not feel obligated to help them. I am so used to trying to carry people that I end up hurting myself. I have done this over and over again. Another thing that I hope will come soon is an understanding of what I feel and why. I know why this is applicable in the church but I don't understand why I can feel people everywhere at any given time. How does this help me and what should I do with it? This is truly a rhetorical question. I just wish that everything would turn off during my time of transition and change.

Apology

Deb, I would like to apologize for not finishing Lent. Some awful things happened last weekend and I used my Facebook page to reach out to my friends because I was lonely. I am still participating in Lent but I am not isoloating myself. I am reading the daily devotions and just focusing on staying positive. So I am here with you Lady!!!

Third Day of School

I am currently going to school to become a Personal Fitness Trainer. Though I am not skinny because of my eating habits I am strong and I have a great desire to be fit. Today is my 3rd day of school and I am feeling amazing. I went to the Farmer's Market to pick up some fresh in season locally grown produce and as I was reflecting on my diet I came to the conclusion that too many rules are just too many rules. I believe that the basic and most simple rule to follow is calories in vs calories out produces results. (Whether pleasant of unpleasant it true) I thought about doing the Atkins Diet again and following all of the rules but at the end of the day, I can not live without my favorite foods. I thought about doing Weight Watchers because it is a disciplined system that works and I believe that I would enjoy it but would I fail if I didnt want to pay for it for the rest of my life??? I dont think so, so its not completely out of my mind. And I recently started to read about Clean Eating. Now the principles are good. So out of the 5-10 rules they have I decided to adopt a couple to implement in my life. 1 is buy local and buy in season food. 2. Is to (attempt) to eat foods with 5 or less ingredients 3. Is to avoid foods that have no nutritional values. Those are the ones that I have chosen to adopt. AND they are translated in a way that I am willing to follow. The book is good but to be honest oatmeal with nothing in it but bee pollen and cinnamon is DISGUSTING (to me) So that wouldve never lasted long. However there is something to glean from all of the diets that are out there and that is that moderation is key. So as you know I have not ruled out Weight Watchers because it is based on a balanced system, many people succesfulyl implement the plan into their lives and you also have a little overage in order to enjoy your favorites weekly. There is an monetary investment to be made but I believe that you must invest in everything that you truly wish to partake in. Right now I am convincing myself that this would be good for me. So I will let you know if I have become a subscriber next week. I'm still on my quest to live my life to it's fullest. :)

Faith Renewed

There exists among the kingdom of God on Earth, those who worship and truly love God AND people. There are those who are polite and loving, kind, genuine and sincere and they are everywhere. Today I had the priviledge to go to a Woman's Bible Study and I immediately felt welcome. I felt like even though I did not know 1 name or 1 person, I have never saw these people before that somehow we all had this 1 common bond and it was true. We all are daughter's of God. I was not amongst those who looked like me on the outside but they welcomed me and greeted me and remembered my name quickly. What an amazing feeling. As I listened to the Ladies speak I took no posture of someone who has read and knows her Bible but instead I sat as a child with wide eyes, open ears and an open heart. It was so refreshing not to have to be guarded or to wonder when someone would try to slip in their own sugar coated theology to glorify themselves. I was an amazing thing to look around the room at all of these woman who have been dilligently seeking God and allowing Him to transform them into His likeness. Alot of times that is the minority of a Christian congregation. Today I felt like it was the majority. I keep saying the word felt because I had my spiritual senses in effect :) You have to try the spirit by the spirit and that is more of a feeling for me than a mental checklist. I felt love, I felt purity, I felt the sisterhood. I was at peace and welcome even though I was under dressed in the natural, I had my hair back in a low ponytail LOL I felt at home and unjudged. This is why my faith was renewed. I needed to see that others love God and love people like I do. I needed to see that I was not the only one that I would know. I knew there were other "lovers" out there but in this great of numbers was totally amazing. I give God the glory for this day. I am so grateful. I feed on the pure, untampered, untwisted Word of God today amongst the glorious daughters of the kingdom. :) What a beautiful Tuesday morning. Thank you Jesus.

Tomorrow is the first day of Lent. I have never celebrated it before but I believe that I found out today so that I can be apart of this time of reflection on what Jesus has done for me.
May God bless you.

Planning

Tomorrow I begin my journey to health and wellness. I read and interesting article called Diets Dont Work. Once I read that it made me question my method of losing weight. Is it just a diet or am I willing to change? I have been contemplating new ways to eat for a while and last year I was successful at losing 60lbs however it all crept its way back on when I went back to trying to eat normal. I call myself trying to not to change everyone around me and just deciding to settle instead of doing the hard work of pulling in the opposite direction of average, normal, tradition and unhealthy yet accepted. I have been forced to reevaluate my original motivation. Is it good enough just to want to look good? I have decided that that is not good enough for me because once I get to a weight that I am happy with I tend to just hover there and start fighting an uphill battle with trying to maintain it. My HUGE goal last year was to look good for my husband when he stepped off that plane from Afghanistan and BABY it was a wrap I DID IT! I looked stellar and I felt amazing but once I checked that off, I neglected to create a goal beyond that so I drifted back up stream. Though I look a little better because I have more muscle now I am not eating well and I feel pretty crappy to be honest. So tomorrow my journey begins not to look good because that is a fringe benefit but to live a healthy life. I want to be healthy, I want to weight a healthy weight and have a healthy BMI and maintain that for the rest of my life. My goal is July 25th 2012 that will be my son's second birthday. So OPERATION HEALTHY ME begins NOW!

This is My Journey

I have decided to do the Atkins diet until I lose all of the weight that I gained, I plan to then start eating Clean when I reach my goal to add variety back to my life. I have done what I thought was the Atkins diet a few times and each time I lost weight. My body responds well to this way of weight loss. So I purchased the New Atkins Diet book and I will be embarking on my journey this week. I am very proud of my decision and I cannot wait to see my muscles LOL and wear my cute clothes again. This will be the best year of my life yet. :-)